Maybe She’s Been Here All Along

I had a weird thought this morning while lying on a blow-up mattress in my living room.

House renovations. Not exactly glamorous.

It was about 4am and I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I just lay there watching the sunrise creep through the blinds.

Golden light spilling across the walls.

Birds making so much noise they could have been playing through my headphones.

Suddenly I was back in Ubud.

Sitting on that balcony in the early morning, listening to crickets and insects that sounded ridiculously loud. The air was warm. Everything around me was green. I remember just sitting there for a while, listening.

I remember describing it at the time as sensory overload. It wasn’t overwhelming for me. It made me feel…well, so awake really. Really awake.

I could hear everything. Smell everything. Feel everything.

My senses had quite literally come alive.

For a long time, I thought that feeling belonged to Bali.

I’ve always talked about wanting to live abroad somewhere beautiful. Somewhere that’s slower…a bit softer.

A place where life feels calmer and I can finally breathe.

Bali, especially Ubud, became the place I attached that feeling to.

Yet yesterday I was sitting in my garden with a white wine spritz…obvs. 😂

The house was a complete shit tip.

The grass was tickling my feet.

The bees were doing what bees do.

Somehow I slowed down long enough to notice it all.

Then this morning, lying on that blow-up mattress, watching sunlight pool across my walls and listening to birds that sounded just as loud as the ones I remember in Bali, it hit me.

The feeling wasn’t that different.

Different country.

Different view.

Different soundtrack.

But…same feeling.

That’s when I wondered if I’ve had it backwards all along.

Maybe it’s not the destination I’m chasing.

Maybe it’s the version of myself that I allow when I get there.

The version that notices.

That sits still.

That feels the sun on her face and listens to birds instead of rushing to the next thing.

She sits in a garden chair with her feet in the grass.

She watches the sunrise from a blow-up mattress.

She sits on a balcony in Ubud and feels completely alive.

They’re all the same woman.

Bali didn’t create her.

Bali just introduced me to her.

Maybe she’s been here all along.

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